GIGGLE CITY: Chris Quigley survives trial by tartar sauce

He’s riffed about playing hockey while zonked on acid, on how you know you’re really high when you watch a porno movie and start getting into the music and how you can play a really good game of golf while hung over because moving your head is too painful – are we sensing a theme yet?

That’s just a sample of what you’re in for when Chris Quigley performs next Friday and Saturday (April 8-9) at Yuk Yuk’s. Not all his jokes are about getting wasted. He’s also got material about golf, dogs and relationships – not necessarily in that order. Like they say: Write what you know.

Q: If you could be any Canadian celebrity, who would it be and why?

A: Don Cherry. He’s very colourful. He says what’s on his mind.

Q: What’s your best heckler story?

A: I had to perform at this fish fry for 400 men in Port Dover, Ontario about 18 years ago. They had exotic dancers in between the acts. So the emcee went up and then a girl went up and then I went up. They didn’t want anything to do with me at all. They were throwing paper plates and plastic cups, the little things you put tartar sauce in. I just knew that I had to do my time. But there’s one guy in the front who seemed to be listening. So I just sat on the stage and just talked to him. It was a show for one. Plus it was better when I was sitting because I didn’t make as good a target. I had to do 20 minutes. It felt like a couple days.

Q: What’s your favourite joke you don’t do anymore because it’s dated?

A: I used to have this one about Jeff Healey being on a radio show and he was talking about drinking and driving. He said, ‘For all your partiers out there, don’t drink and drive. I don’t.’ Well, I hope you don’t drive sober, Mr Healey. But that commercial’s not out there anymore.

Q: Do you think you have to be a pessimist to be a good comedian?

A: Yeah, I would say that humour doesn’t come from happiness. I think the less happy you are, the better comedian you are.

Q: Do you have a favourite new joke that’s going over particularly well?

A: I was standing behind this old man at this ATM machine and after he finished his transaction, he turned to me and said, ‘can you check my balance?’ So I pushed him – and it wasn’t that good.

Q: What do you do when someone from the audience tells you some terrible joke and says, ‘you can use this in your act’?

A; I just smile and say maybe I will. I don’t want any kind of conflict with anybody.

Q: What’s the different between kids today and when you were a kid?

A: They know more, just from the Internet and all the sources of information. Even now I don’t know too much. I knew even less as a teenager.

Q: Here’s a question just for you: You have some seriously disruptive hair going there – is this part of your act?

A: It’s more of a homage to Bob Dylan. I admire him so much. I haven’t combed my hair in, I dunno, a long time. Saves money on combs, though.