What’s next for Alison Redford?
With her resignation announced on Wednesday, March 19th, Alberta Premier Alison Redford will be graduating from the diluted quagmire of public opinion to find work in the private sector. While at the moment still maintaining her role as MLA for the constituency of Calgary Elbow, Redford found herself awash with job offers following her announcement yesterday.
“Even before I finished my speech, Third World despots started contacting me. They really admired how I was able to callously indulge in excess while at the same time hypocritically preach the rhetoric of austerity and belt tightening.” Redford puts her hands on her hips to accentuate her Salvatore Ferragamo Smooth Leather Belt. “There was a Nordstrom’s on the plane I took to South Africa.”
Dionysian excess and allegations of bullying and intimidation are assets on Redford’s resume, as she hopes to be planning parties of unimaginable grandeur for the richest fraction of political elite while their subjects wallow in desperate poverty.
“There’s a lot of places in the world where my conduct would not only be tolerated, it would be lauded. The PCs have, in some way I think, lost their way. Kings and queens used to eat endangered animals and rare truffles in marble halls the size of football fields, overfed, naked, slathered in the private honey of ancient Pharaohs, vomiting their gluttony onto silk bibs. It’s an expression of divine right. We haven’t had a caucus meeting like that in months, at least not since this flight scandal. We’re the Progressive Conservative Party, not the Progressive Conservative Economy Class.”
With Russia’s recent occupation and subsequent annexation of Crimea, Redford feels the global political climate is perfectly suited for her future career as an event planner for ruthless leaders, and it is perhaps Alberta that is behind the curve.
“I do, from the bottom of my heart, thank the citizens of the province, those who stood behind me. I merely governed in the way that I see fit for an oil-bloated land of wild riches. It was an honour to serve and in time my methods will be vindicated. I will descend from the sky in a gilded zeppelin brighter than one thousand suns and resume my deserved role as Lord, Ruler and Premier of Alberta.”