OLD MAN MIKULA’S CONTROVERSIAL OPINIONS: 5 Ways to Autumn in Edmonton
Autumn is a bittersweet time in Edmonton. Our hazy smoke-filled summers are fleeting, and it can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that the solar terminator has been perpendicular to the equator resulting in the Northern and Southern hemispheres being equally illuminated, and it is now fall.
Denim legs are sewn onto frayed shorts, turning jorts back to jants. Whyte Ave patio peanut galleries have exchanged their Bulldogs (margarita with a bottle of Corona) for Pumpkin Spice Blottos (pumpkin spice latte with a bottle of Jack Daniels). And the deadly black mamba snakes that keep Alberta rat-free have retired to the legislature where they linger in the humidity control of the document archives, biting anyone who dares tread.
Overall, it was a disappointing summer for Edmonton. The weather was at worst apocalyptic, and at best the melancholic backdrop for a morose and nihilistic Nordic crime thriller. If the summer was any indication of what we’re in for, it should be a cold winter. Always bring a toque, keep your neck covered, and remember that any period outside longer than 30 minutes should be spent inside the fragrant body of a deceased Taun-taun.
Now that we’re suited up, let’s look at some of the autumn activities that just might stave off the looming SAD that will make Nordic murderers of us all.
Halloween!
If you have some little ones, this is the perfect opportunity leverage their youth to grift your neighbours of sugared treats. Otherwise, don a witty, sexy, or culturally-appropriative disguise and get drunk in shameless anonymity. Be warned: our idiot clown prince Justin Trudeau has bungled his way into getting the Conservative Party to disavow racism, and there are ostensibly fewer spaces one can comfortably be a total piece of shit. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of other racist holidays to celebrate. Like Thanksgiving.
Harvest Your Garden, Can your Goods, Stave off Scurvy
Ya know that garden you definitely planted and maintained throughout the summer? Now is the time to reap what you sow. I mean in the literal sense, and in not the sense of dying tragically early due to your abhorrent diet (more on that later). Keep the good stuff for yourself, and burden friends and family with zucchinis so large not even God herself could make that much loaf .
Augment your homegrown collection with an alluring rainbow of canned hams. Goods so absurd and shameful their very production hinges on an inhuman psychopathy only achievable by today’s modern corporation. Not just Spam, but also Klik, Spork, and Sperebrovascular Accident.
Fall Colours
The latest generation of smartphones came outfitted with cameras so sophisticated and powerful they made Robert Frank shit his pants and die in abject fear. This new technology coupled with the vibrant autumn backdrop makes it easier than ever to take a photo worthy of several Instagram likes and a comment from your aunt.
If you’re something of a douchebag purist there are more analog options. Take off-focus, poorly-coloured photos that just scream terms like “authentic,” “raw,” and “$5 to develop a roll of film.” Or, be as alluring as possible and set up an easel and grab your watercolours. Capture the vivid palette through a process driven meditation on the relational aesthetic between the physical: spaces, bodies, and the ephemeral fluidity of subjective sense that conceives a persistent substratum of neostructural visual engagement. When people walk by and look at your masterpiece and say “what’s that?” get over it by scream-crying in the bathroom of the Sugarbowl for two hours.
Festival Province
Edmonton takes the cake for festival city in the summer months, but in the autumn, that cake just might go to Smoky Lake. Or should I say pie? Pumpkin Pie, that is! Haha! In October Smoky Lake puts on a Pumpkin Fair. It features a midway, show and shine, and pumpkin weigh-off. Plus they drop a giant pumpkin on a fucking car, and that car just smaaashes. I shit you not. The pumpkin is huge. Oh my god, it’s awesome. So get out there and see what kind of gourd-based violence the province has to offer.
Hockey Season
The NHL pre-season starts in late September. If you’re a proud Edmontonian, you can subject yourself to the uniquely confusing barrage of endless failures supplied by the Oilers. This will give you 26 weeks worth of reasons to scream cry in the bathroom of Hudson’s on Whyte. Spice up a night with the boys by taking bets on how many more seasons until the asphyxiating existential terror of playing for Edmonton fully drains the life from Connor McDavid, turning him into little more than a pallid pink Spam sculpture of broken dreams.
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The above are just a sample platter from the lush garden of opportunity an autumn in Edmonton offers. Take advantage of the slowly waning sunlight and get out there while you can. After all, it’s only a matter of time until the great pumpkin of winter crushes our hearts and souls, making lifeless canned ham of us all.
